Freedom, failure, and frustrations

"How come you’re so happy all the time?”

I have often gotten that question, starting when I was going to community college and would come in on test day with a smile from ear to ear. I obviously kind of stick out on the reservation and at the E.A.G.L.E. Center, not just because of my blonde hair but also because of my joy. That being said, I have been interrogated on the existence of my smile a ridiculous number of times just in the last month. The reason for this might be a mixture of wondering when in the world I’ll lose it, since I didn’t ever let myself get too ruffled last semester, and noticing how grouchy other adults in their lives are, probably due to the ridiculous weather and our power outage. Life has been kind of tough here this semester.

At the beginning of the school year, I was often accused of being high or “cheesed up,” but I don’t get that as often anymore. Now they just ask why, as one of my students did last week, after warning that sooner later, I’ll snap and run screaming down Main Street. I feel kind of cheesy when I answer, and I remind myself that I still work in a public school, even though the setting and the relationships are automatically somewhat more intimate. What I typically say first is, “I have a lot to be joyful about.” When they ask what I've got, I usually get a little spunky, since maybe not everyone would agree that my life is to be envied all that much. I typically grin and say, “Oh, because I get to hang out with you,” but then I kind of look around and lower my voice a tiny bit (probably not enough), and say that Jesus loves me and I know that God is good. Very few of my kids get that, because very few of them know anything about Jesus. It's always ended there so far, but maybe tomorrow it won't!

I want to shine to my co-workers, too, and I was thinking about that a lot while I was at my parents’ house during the power outage we had at the end of January. On one hand, I want the light and grace I bring to my surroundings to not be about me. I kind of like the idea of my co-workers who were here last year saying to themselves that something is just different—that we work together better, that we care about our students better, and that is just a better place to be—but nothing that they can put a finger on. On the other hand, you know that saying that is credited to St. Francis of Assisi, “Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words”? Words are always necessary, because otherwise people will just think you are genetically a ridiculously nice person, and it won’t mean anything. Because of that, I guess my co-workers need to know that something I have is what is different this year. Don’t get me wrong; actually, most of my co-workers are Christians. A few of them are especially committed to their faith. But I still know that I bring a joy to this place that people don’t see very often. I think joy is the thing that I tend to get the most judgmental about toward other Christians. If people don’t show the joy they have in their salvation, I tend to think they are pretty pathetic! : ) Sorry, I’m working on it. But seriously, when you are with Jesus, there is always something to smile about!

Failure


I am feeling like a tired homemaker as I sit here and try to hack out a paragraph or two at 11:28 PM on Wednesday night, with peanut butter cookie dough waiting to be baked in the fridge, Tyler’s art worksheets on my kitchen table, and lesson plans that need to be done before Monday. Since I will be spending my weekend either in the car, in a FLY committee meeting, or at the hardware store buying accessories for my new used washing machine, I’m not expecting to be very productive in anything else. Of course, I am kicking myself for not getting more done during President’s Day weekend, but I have just been hitting walls regularly this year when I reach my limit of productivity, and I reached my limit quite early that particular weekend.

The teacher-brain of forgetfulness is still with me as well, and I need to turn in my water meter read by tomorrow at 4:00 PM to avoid an obscene bill. I just recalled this about an hour ago. Imagine if I went to bed earlier! I might never have realized until it was too late. So there. I am also getting a cold, finally. I have been expecting one to come on for months, and here it is, though I am still in the sore throat and early runny nose stage. I hope it will not put a damper on my weekend in the Cities, or for that matter, my last two days of work for the week.

I just had another one of those many “Good grief, I’m an adult with a job” moments, and I decided once again that I’m pretty content where I am. However, I laughed today when I was talking with one of my co-teachers and found out that she and I had both been lured to the E.A.G.L.E. Center on somewhat false pretenses, because both of our jobs were just advertised as regular high school positions. We both found out at our interviews that we were applying for the alternative learning center. But to tell the truth, I think this is where I belong—not necessarily in Eagle Butte, specifically, but in an alternative program. I figured out pretty quickly that my time tutoring football players in Morris and my homeschool background prepared me for the EC pretty well.

Anyway, because I know I’m where I belong, though I have dirty dishes on my counter, my cookies didn’t quite make it into the oven, and Tyler’s art worksheets are still lying on my kitchen table, I know that I could never be a failure.

“Well, what you could do better… how do you do this?”

I’ve probably complained a little bit about our burden of professional development in our district, and I have just one thing that has been preying on my mind lately. I absolutely love the trainers and consultants I get to work with, but I would really appreciate having someone come in who is not an elementary teacher, has taught in an inner-city setting with gangs, or has actually worked at an alternative learning center. I figure they are all easy on me because I am a first year teacher, and I love the affirmation and encouragement, but often when I have an observation all I hear is, “Wow, I couldn’t do this. You are amazing.” That isn't always really helpful, though I really am a sucker for encouragement. I suppose it might be more productive to talk with my principal about this than to just write it on my blog, but I guess I don’t really want more professional development than I already have, either! The sweet ladies that do come to observe us have been coming to our district for years, and they will probably be with us for many more years. Because of that, it is probably in my best interest, for sanity’s sake, to not express my desire for different (meaning additional) trainers at this point. Of course, I could go looking for a conference to attend that might be helpful instead of saying no to every opportunity I get, but I figure during my first year of teaching I can say no.

Keep Praying!

Let’s see… please keep praying for my students, for families in the Eagle Butte area that have lost loved ones, as we have had a whole bunch of funerals lately, and for the heart of this town and this reservation. Pray also for the women and girls who attended the women’s retreat in Rapid City last weekend, that God would continue to bring His words and teaching to their minds. I went with Barb Berndt, her two daughters, and two of their friends, and one of the friends, Valera, asked Jesus into her heart for the first time! Praise God, but really be praying for her, because she will not have a lot of support from her family and friends in her new faith. Also, I shared the Bible study with the elementary girls, and I have no idea how much they were able to take in. They were very attentive... but now after working with kids who never listen attentive kids make me nervous. I am worried that I went over their heads or lost a lot of them. Please pray that the girls would remember the words God was speaking to them that day, even if they don't get have of what I said!



Also pray for the visit that the AFLBS men’s quartet will be making to EB on March 13th, that the team would have safe travel and that plans for the youth group activity on Saturday and the Sunday service would go well. I really want Saturday night to be an outreach, but I have been so slow in getting things organized that I don’t know what will happen. But God does. We will be inviting all the youth groups in town, putting up posters on Main Street, and inviting our sister church in Faith. Besides that, I think I’ll be OK inviting my students to it, or at least leaving invite cards on my desk. My brother Michael is on men’s quartet, by the way. That is part of the reason that I am so excited that they are coming! Let me know how I can pray for you, too, OK? I love you all! Christina Joy